Lyrical: On a scale of 0 to 10

I am feeling like I really missed my moment. This totally could have been the [Busiest Day] Scale for Pain Assessment:

Instead, Wong and Baker are sitting on a beach somewhere as the royalties roll in. Really? The first 11 integers below five crude emojis and you've got a bankable medical device? Sheesh.

So let me stake out some other corners of this land rush:

Appetite Scale
0 "Bleh"...to... 10 "Voracious"

The concept of Bleh will be depicted by an empty circle, depicting "nothing." Get it? When you have no appetite you eat nothing. This is a fresh medical insight that has not even occurred to even Wong or Baker themselves! The circle will have a secondary read as an empty dish or plate, and therefore hailed as a work of richly-layered metaphor.

I think the next four icons for increasing appetite should be something trans-cultural and universal like:

• One McDonald's Hamburger
• Two Hamburger Value Deal
• Big Mac
• Two Macs Meal

Of course since I am uninclined to split royalties, I will use the icons that the rip-off snack bar at the Airport uses, rather than licensed images.

"11" on the appetite scale will be "patient devours chart"

Constipation Scale (days since last BM)
0 "Zero"...to 10 "Ten"

The world that was rocked by the use of face icons may not be ready for counting days indexed from zero, but if I pull this off,  I will be so rich I will buy a Cadillac Escalade just to store my collection of condescending environmentalist bumper stickers (which I would otherwise be composting, ok?).

Bottom Line: Do not let my lawyers catch you using integer days to describe constipation duration. You have been warned.