Lyrical: Field Guide to Chemo Birds

Had chemo session 3.1 today, which was delayed (Rituxan slow in coming from the pharmacy), and sleepy (despite only 25mg of Benedryl instead of 50mg), so I amused myself by creating this Field Guide to Chemo Birds.

BLOGGER'S FIELD GUIDE TO CHEMO WARD BIRDS

Graduated Pill Swallow & Dixie Water Swallow

Alongside the Sharps and Monitors, the Swallows are extremely common in chemo habitats.

Graduated Pill Swallow

The small, translucent Graduated Pill Swallow has a near-symbiotic relationship with the larger Water Swallows, often coexisting in the same meager habitat, and cooperating in feeding tasks.

Photo: Graduated Pill Swallow, left, and Dixie Water Swallow, right

Pill Swallows are not picky eaters. The typical Pill Swallow in a chemo habitat thrives on a mixed diet of Benedryl, Tylenol, Pepcid, Zofran, and steroids.

Pill Swallows use their small size and unremarkable color to nest in crevices.

Dixie Water Swallow

The Dixie Water Swallow is recognized by its paper-white coloration, which is sometimes over-printed with forest camouflage, as shown here (above, right).

The Water Swallows are known to carry many times their bodyweight in water for long distances by filling their interior with spring water or filtered municipal water. Evolved to carry far more water than they themselves consume, they have become a critical source of water to drier areas.

As they approach the end of their short lifespan, Dixie Water Swallows typically migrate away to die alone in a nest built of litter.

Solo Water Swallow (not pictured)

The middle-sized and ironically-named Solo Water Swallow usually nests head-down in vertically-stacked colonies of up to 50 individuals, often in close proximity to the colony of young Dixie Water Swallows. The colony frequently locates near sources of abundant food and water.

American Skillet Footed Assayor

Photo: A Skillet Footed Assayor

This majestic, crane-like bird, with a nearly-square webbed foot is known to stand completely still on one leg for hours at a time.

Not easily aroused, it remains nearly motionless in the presence of larger predators, assessing their mass with its square, skillet-like foot whose subdermal sensors are sensitive to the tenth of a pound (the European Skillet Footed Assayor is half as sensitive--only to the tenth of a kilogram)

To intimidate and assess larger predators, it can also draw itself up to its full height, and strike them on the head using its extendible arm.

Halyard's Purple Nitrile

Photo: A male Halyard's Purple Nitrile, nesting.

A cavity-nesting bird first identified by Dr. Kimberly-Clark Halyard in Alpharetta, Georgia, the Halyard Purple Nitrile now holds leading market positions in 100 countries worldwide.

While other dry habitat birds may groom by rolling in talcum powder, the Purple Nitrile is powder free

Easily recognized by the trademark purple color of its large five-fingered comb, the purple nitrile appears featherless but is actually covered by a silky purple coat of microscopic feathers.

Halyard's Silver Nitrile

Also migrating from Alpharetta, Georgia, but considerably more social, Halyard's Silver Nitrile is often seen in large colonies of birds of the Small, Medium, and Largelife-stages. 

The neutral color apparently appeals to hospital visitors, who are asked to sanitize their hands and then insert their hands directly into the Nitrile, similar to the process of stuffing a large Turkey.

Monitors and Surfbirds

Photo: Monitor (top) and Surfbird (bottom)

Another pair frequently nesting together are the Monitor and the Surfbird. 

While both shelter on vertical cliffs and small, shelf-like projections, the Monitor prefers the commanding views of the upper cliff, while the Surfbird builds its web-like nest in the sheltered recesses below the keybirds and mice.

Vinyl Exam Plover

Photo: Vinyl Exam Plover in its vertical habitat.

Related to the much-larger hip-waders found in deeper waters, the Vinyl Plovers are also known for their slick, water-proof coat.

Some Vinyl Plovers nest on near-vertical surfaces (as seen in photo, left), while other genera choose elevated horizontal surfaces.

Competes for habitat with the Purple Nitrile.

Pairs mate for life.

Lifespan: 15 minutes, tops, although the life cycle is currently the object of some dispute, as it appears that the Vinyl Exam Plovers' gender is only determined at their time of emergence. At the same time the pair determines their roles, they mate, fail to reproduce, and die.

While mostly flightless, the Vinyl Exam Plover is valued by unsophisticated peoples for its bladder-like skin which is frequently inflated, tied, and lofted in the air for comic effect.



White Tufted McKesson

Photo: White Tufted McKesson hatching from its nesting clutch.

The female White Tufted McKesson lays her entire brood of exactly 40 offspring in a single, box-like clutch.

Whether eggs in a single clutch will hatch simultaneously or sequentially over an extended period of time is largely determined by the onset of lachrymal-mucosal flow in nearby animals.  If the young are tightly packed, entire handfuls can emerge simultaneously, regardless of need.

In interactions with humans, McKesson populations can fluctuate drastically: reaching unsustainable lows when an entire breeding season's clutches are wiped out in the initial moments after coffee spills; followed by rapid overpopulation due to overzealous re-stocking by well-meaning caregivers.

Additional birds to be covered in future editions:

• Variably Billed Oncologist
• Infusion Pump
• Migratory Nurse
• Great White Commotion
• Five Footed Stool
• Chrome Plated Stand
• Tube Tailed Saline
• Foam Dispensing Hornbill
• Prothonotary Warbler
• Alcohol Swab